Leelanau Whippersnapper

Ok, the 2 are not mutually exclusive but for the sake of argument I’ll separate them for a minute. What a day at work today. I’ve forgotten that it usually takes me about a month or so to make the transition from redneck land to stick up their ass tourist land. I’m convinced only of 2 things. First, 99% of people have apparently never worked in the service industry and have never learned proper…fuck proper…how bout they have just never learned how to be pleasant people. Second, there are only a FEW select people who should do things themselves and there are only a FEW select things those people should ever attempt to do. No, I’m sorry I am not going to tell you that it’s OK to put deck sealer on your roof becuase it’s cheaper than new shingles! Sorry, dweeb, I’m not willing to guarantee this product is going to work if you are TOO FUCKING LAZY and CHEEP to follow the fucking directions and do the job right.

Dad, you’ll like this: From my childhood there is one lesson you taught me at the top of your lungs over the screaming lawnmower and it was a comment you only ever had to say forcefully to me once (although you repeated it many other times throughout my life in various circumstances): If you AREN’T going to do the job RIGHT, than DON’T do it at all!! Certianly your job as a parent was to instill the value of responsibility for doing something well and having a successful end result. It was not exactly something a kid wanted to hear whilst trying to maneuver an out of control self propelled machine that certainly was bigger than me at top speed through loose sand. You made your point and I learned a lesson, that lesson being: when you cut corners you set yourself up for failure. Academics aside, it is a lesson I took into adulthood by becoming a careful and deliberate person in my professional life. I don’t cut corners, my actions are deliberate and planned, and I am successful. There is a reason for everything I do and for everything I say. It is a value I try to impart on my employees and it is something that I must very carefully, everyday, try to impart on customers who come in to my department. “If you are not going to do it right (you lazy fucking redneck), don’t waste your time, try this product instead, it doesn’t require as much work or preparation (I’d love to watch you fail miserably at your project becuase it’s funny but I really don’t want to listen to you when you come back and bitch at me for selling you something you couldn’t figure out how to use becuase you couldn’t be bothered to read the fucking directions).”

On to Babies. When the hell did the baby market explode and why was I not around to make any money on this? I spent several hours tonight looking at some of the plastic baby items that Sarah is going to be getting (or has already received) for her baby shower. Notice the inserted word “plastic”. You know, the huge metal Tonka Trucks that were just fine when I was a kid, why did they switch to plastic? Why are Lincoln Logs now plastic? What happened to Tinker Toys and Light Bright? Why are there batteries in the Etch-A-Sketch? What the hell is a Diaper Genie? Somewhere between 1974 and 2008, Johnny Jumpup become the “Graco Jumpster in Jungle Jubilation”, a wholly unnecessary sentence to describe a pair of oversize shorts sewn on to a couple long elastic straps that provide hours of entertainment to small children who secretly wish to fly. Well Sarah, that’s what your getting for your shower from me. Check your email, I sent you a note about when you’ll get it.

So now I’m off to bed. Tomorrow is another day in do it yourself land.