Leelanau Whippersnapper

I hate Sunday’s.  If only I could attribute peoples basic lack of intelligence to bushels of straw in their heads.  I should explain.  Working in retail, you tend to pick up on human behavior pretty well.  I see hundreds of people every day of the week from all walks of life and from all social and economic backgrounds.  I’d venture to say that people who don’t work in retail have very little exposure to this many people in a given week, certainly, most people don’t venture past their desk’s or their front doors.  At work I am forced to be social.  It is my job to put my self in front of people every day and try to sell them something.  I get paid to do this but believe me, if I had a choice, there are just SO many people I would rather just punch in the face and ask them how on earth they managed to get their underwear on.

“Do I really need to follow these directions?”, said the man wearing the wife-beater T-shirt with 4 kids in tow.  “Does this color go with mauve?” said the young blond who clearly had no idea what ‘mauve’ is.  “Why doesn’t anyone work here?” said the 60 year old man who could clearly see the line in front of him and the 5 employees scurrying to help 2 and 3 people at a time, oblivious to the fact that he was NOT the most important person in the area.

I’ve reached many conclusions about the general human condition as I’ve worked retail jobs over the years.  One is that nobody is more important than himself.  Many people simply can not deal with a multi-tasking employee and many people need dedicated one-on-one attention.  This is due in large part to pure laziness.  “You know if you had read the directions on the can of paint and applied it properly you would not be here asking me why your paint didn’t stick to the wall”…[fucking dipshit].  “Well, you didn’t tell me that when I bought it!” Why the hell should I have to TELL you anything EVERYTHING you need to know is printed RIGHT HERE on the can!! - you are not building a FUCKING NUCLEAR SUBMARINE HERE!

Now, don’t get me wrong here, I like nothing more than talking with a customer who is truly interested in doing the job they want to do correctly.  I will take all the time they need to expalin how something works, how to do the job, what tools they will need etc.  That is part of my job.  If you listen to me do this however you will see the salesman.  Every other sentence I will drop disclaimers and clauses designed on purpose to protect ME from people’s desire to blame EVERYONE but themselves when something goes wrong.  “This is how you put on the driveway sealer, look right here on the can, THE MANUFACTURER recommends that you…”  A good salesman will sell you the product, back up the product through qualified statements from the manufacturer of the proeuct they are selling, but put the onus for completeing the job correctly squarely on the customer.  We sell it, YOU do it.  That is why it is called a do-it-YOURESELF home center.

I try to keep work out of this blog but since I have nothing else to talk about most of the time you get to read about all the people in the world who are simply too lazy to bother reading or following directions.  MEN are far worse than women and kids…well, I guess spilling paint all over the new living room rug will teach them to PUT THE LID BACK ON THE CAN before starting the wrestling match.

Folks, it’s really very simple.  Manufacturers put directions, and warnings, and disclaimers ON the packages of the products they produce to not only HELP you do the job right but also to protect themselves (and me) from your PATHETIC inability to think about what you are doing before you do it!  Those of us working in retail can tell within 30 seconds of talking to you whether or not you will give us a problem in the future.  We KNOW almost immediately which of you actually reads directions and who does their homework before starting a do-it-yourself project.  We know that many of you need to be spoon fed the most basic information…how some of you can even wipe your own ass is a mystery much of the time.

So, I hate Sunday’s becuase I hate people who don’t think before they speak.  If you are too lazy to read directions and then follow them, dam it, hire a fucking contractor to do the job for you.  Lord knows they need the work.

Ok, the 2 are not mutually exclusive but for the sake of argument I’ll separate them for a minute. What a day at work today. I’ve forgotten that it usually takes me about a month or so to make the transition from redneck land to stick up their ass tourist land. I’m convinced only of 2 things. First, 99% of people have apparently never worked in the service industry and have never learned proper…fuck proper…how bout they have just never learned how to be pleasant people. Second, there are only a FEW select people who should do things themselves and there are only a FEW select things those people should ever attempt to do. No, I’m sorry I am not going to tell you that it’s OK to put deck sealer on your roof becuase it’s cheaper than new shingles! Sorry, dweeb, I’m not willing to guarantee this product is going to work if you are TOO FUCKING LAZY and CHEEP to follow the fucking directions and do the job right.

Dad, you’ll like this: From my childhood there is one lesson you taught me at the top of your lungs over the screaming lawnmower and it was a comment you only ever had to say forcefully to me once (although you repeated it many other times throughout my life in various circumstances): If you AREN’T going to do the job RIGHT, than DON’T do it at all!! Certianly your job as a parent was to instill the value of responsibility for doing something well and having a successful end result. It was not exactly something a kid wanted to hear whilst trying to maneuver an out of control self propelled machine that certainly was bigger than me at top speed through loose sand. You made your point and I learned a lesson, that lesson being: when you cut corners you set yourself up for failure. Academics aside, it is a lesson I took into adulthood by becoming a careful and deliberate person in my professional life. I don’t cut corners, my actions are deliberate and planned, and I am successful. There is a reason for everything I do and for everything I say. It is a value I try to impart on my employees and it is something that I must very carefully, everyday, try to impart on customers who come in to my department. “If you are not going to do it right (you lazy fucking redneck), don’t waste your time, try this product instead, it doesn’t require as much work or preparation (I’d love to watch you fail miserably at your project becuase it’s funny but I really don’t want to listen to you when you come back and bitch at me for selling you something you couldn’t figure out how to use becuase you couldn’t be bothered to read the fucking directions).”

On to Babies. When the hell did the baby market explode and why was I not around to make any money on this? I spent several hours tonight looking at some of the plastic baby items that Sarah is going to be getting (or has already received) for her baby shower. Notice the inserted word “plastic”. You know, the huge metal Tonka Trucks that were just fine when I was a kid, why did they switch to plastic? Why are Lincoln Logs now plastic? What happened to Tinker Toys and Light Bright? Why are there batteries in the Etch-A-Sketch? What the hell is a Diaper Genie? Somewhere between 1974 and 2008, Johnny Jumpup become the “Graco Jumpster in Jungle Jubilation”, a wholly unnecessary sentence to describe a pair of oversize shorts sewn on to a couple long elastic straps that provide hours of entertainment to small children who secretly wish to fly. Well Sarah, that’s what your getting for your shower from me. Check your email, I sent you a note about when you’ll get it.

So now I’m off to bed. Tomorrow is another day in do it yourself land.