Leelanau Whippersnapper

Well, as expected, I didn’t walk out of the casino with any cash.  I didn’t spend a whole lot either and was able to play for about 2 hours but I never won anything worth reporting.  That’s pretty much par for the course.  My logic on casinos is that had I not gone there and spent money, I would have likely spent the exact same amount on dinner and a movie.  The trade off for me is that casino’s keep my attention and most movies these days put me to sleep.  I’d rather be awake and enjoying myself than sleeping in a theater.

Jirar has now left for the day, not sure when he will be back up north.  Our friendship is still fairly strong, we enjoy spending time together but it is difficult for me to see him go each time.  I miss him a lot, Gavin does too and so do the cats.  I know that at some point I’ll have to move on in my life, honestly I think both of us are kind of stagnating, not really knowing what to do or how to do it.  He wants the freedom to experience life on his own but struggles with the inherent uncertainties of life that go with that freedom and I want the security of a relationship because I’ve already experienced those uncertainties and really don’t want to do it again.  As I get older, life has become much less about adventure and much more about comfort and security.

So those of you who were not able to guess, the music in the previous post was from Monty Python.  I watched Monty Python and the Holy Grail last night.  I had not seen the film in years.  The slap-stick British humor is quite amusing to me, much more so than a spoof of Sarah Palin is on SNL.

Anyhow, tonight I may watch another film or I may try to clean the house.  I haven’t decided.  Somewhere I have to figure out dinner too.  Later for now.

Tomorrow at 5:30pm will mark the end of an era for me (and Jirar).  The final walk-through at the old house is scheduled to take place tomorrow with the landlord and after that, I will no longer live in Leelanau.  It’s amazing to think of the reasons we moved up here.  4 years ago we were both so dis-satisfied with living in Grand Rapids, we made a very bold move up to Leelanau.  I quit my job, Jirar transferred his job and we started a new life out in the country with 2 cats and a dog and about 2 acres of (looking back) unmanageable land.  We had a plan we kept telling ourselves.  Get settled, buy a house, start a business.  The coffee geeks we were, we figured that in 4 to 5 years we would be able to learn enough and save enough to start a coffee house somewhere in Leelanau.

Things do indeed change, sometimes good, sometimes not so good.  After landing a job with Menards I quickly found out that I could indeed make a good living selling shit to rednecks.  I also had a knack for managing people.  So after a year of proving myself, I became a manager which sunk me even further into the retail culture that grabs hold of you with easy work for good money and doesn’t let go easily.  Jirar on the other hand was dreaming of cities and airplanes.  We both knew going into it that we would never stay in this region forever.  We are both city boys at heart and while it is good to get away from all that shit, after awhile of having to plan a 45 minute drive just to go to the grocery store or get fast food it starts to wear on you a bit.  It costs a fortune too.

The coffee shop dream hasn’t died for me yet…maybe for Jirar but someday, I do still intend to have my own business.  I’ve learned a lot in 4 years of working serious a retail job.  Running a multi-million dollar sales department for a multi-billion dollar company has taught me extraordinary lessons about business in general.  It would not be impossible for me at any given point to drop it and start my own thing….were it not for the money I make selling shit to rednecks.

So, now we move on.  Jirar no longer has any physical ties to Leelanau, or to me, he has gone off to discover himself in a new city, with a new job.  I have finally gained some of my independence back but I miss terribly the companionship of my ‘marriage’ to Jirar.  We will both move on to discover new things, we will both meet new people and go new places.  Each of us will always know of each other, the advantage of leaving on good terms is that anywhere we are in the world, I know I can call up a person who knows every intimate detail about me and that person will listen and understand me.  Marriages do end (about 65% of the time in the US) but solid friendships apart from the intimacy can last a life time.  As I move on in my life, I’m thankful for the support I’ve been given and that I continue to get from my family and friends and I know Jirar is thankful for the support he gets from his family and friends.

We all want good things to last forever but each of us knows that change is an inevitable function of time.  So here is a cheer for change, may it bring new adventures and new people into the lives of those who experience it.

The picture above was taken from my back deck in Leelanau at sunset about a year ago in the late fall.  I’m saddened that I won’t have the every-day opportunity to capture pictures like this but never fear, Leelanau is only a 30 minute drive out to the parents house.  No reason anyone should expect a decline in my photos.

Look for an increase in blogging as we move into fall.  I have a good 2 weeks yet of unpacking and settleing in.  Fucking Charter Cable has to come out here AGAIN and try to install my cable box correctly this time.  It never ends with the dam cable company.  If it were not for the fast internet, I’d never even bother.  Oh well.  Life goes on.

Hopefully this won’t be a long post.  I had to think pretty hard about what I was going to say in this post but I wanted to get something down just to mark the time and date.  Today would have marked the 10th Anniversary of my relationship with Jirar.  10 years today we would have been together, 10 years of sharing, of mutual giving and taking, 10 years of what I considered happy times together, certainly some of the best years of my life.  In the end, we were 4 months short of actually making it that far together.

I was a bit of an emotional wreck earlier today but then decided that I’d use the opportunity of a significant milestone gone wrong to implement new traditions and changes to my own life.  Lots of people might have spent the anniversary of a failed relationship beating themselves up asking why it just didn’t work out.  I decided not to do that to myself.  Why tear myself down over something that was not my fault?  Why should I pretend that I could have done something more?  The fact of the matter is that this turn of events in my life was not my fault and I won’t spend my life feeling guilty about it.  Yes, it does hurt that I’m in this situation now but I’ll get over it and move on with my life.  It’s summer in Leelanau and I have lots of reasons to be happy with my life.  I’m a little overwhelmed with what I have to get done this summer but oh well, it will make me a better person.

So, I will mark today as the beginning of a new period in my life rather than the end of one.  I will not allow the disappointments of my past control the happiness of my future.  I’ve been beaten down but I’ve not been beat (starting to sound like a bad movie here), watch out world….